Monday, 22 June 2015

Letting go and feeling sad

I’m feeling rather sad at the moment. It is silly really because I have a lot to be thankful for but the fact remains that is how I’m feeling.

I have just finished my PGCE course (1 year full-time) so I am now ready to start on my teaching career. I was warned that it would be hard work and much more intense than my degree – they were right! All the work has obviously left me rather drained and perhaps that it why I’m feeling quite sad about a collection of fairly trivial things?

When Mum and Dad were killed I inherited their house. In the five years since then most of it has been altered – everything except their joint study. For some reason changing that was like a final confirmation that they were dead and would never be coming back. Well now the carpenter and the decorator have finished the work I employed them to do and the study has been transformed. It looks much better than it did but emotionally it has hit me quite hard.

I am also feeling rather let down by a (former) E-Pal. We agreed when we started our regular exchange that if things didn’t work out we wouldn’t just stop writing. We both said that would be rude and cruel and that we would always expect to tell the other person that we were going to break contact.

Well Lisa has stopped writing and she hasn’t done what we agreed so I’m left wondering what has happened to her. Perhaps she found me too boring!?

On the other hand it is quite liberating to cross things off of my to-do list- and not just the things that I had done- but some things that were undone.  For example, I’ve had “blog 500 words twice a month” on my long-term list of goals for years.  I finally admitted to myself that I am never going to do that - so I crossed it off.  It’s amazing all of the things you can let go of if you really try.

Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is our master plan, our agenda, for the way we’d like to go, or look.  My closest friends are both studying for their Doctorates. I had hoped to go down that route myself but it just wasn’t to be – not yet anyway. I’ll put that one away for now.

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