For me closure came quite suddenly as I was visiting Mum and Dad’s grave. When I turned away to walk back to the car park it came over me like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. That sad part of my life was over. The twin demons of survivor guilt and “Sally the Victim” had been exorcised and placed where they belonged, in the past.
Of course closure doesn’t mean forgetting. I will not forget my Mum and Dad and will never forget the kindness and compassion shown to me by the people who walked with me during my long journey. Neither will I forgive and forget the people who tried to exploit my emotional, financial and physical vulnerability. Will 10+ years in prison teach the two people concerned a lesson? Somehow I doubt it.
I know that many people have read this blog and more than a few have found it useful as they faced the horrors of sibling or parental death. I just wish we had been able to meet under happier circumstances. So where now with the blog? If I stop posting new material to the blog and, even more so if I stop promoting it, experience shows that the number of hits per week starts to drop off quite rapidly. Relying on people finding the blog via a search engine just doesn’t work.
So publication is going to continue but with a slightly different emphasis. Instead of just telling my story of how I coped with parental bereavement I’m going to broaden the scope of the blog a bit. I’m going to include more positive stories about my life – particularly my nude modelling and my running.
It’s now going to be more a “life after bereavement blog” rather than a “coping with bereavement blog”.
This is one of the reasons why I’ve started looking for a new E-pal. I have exchanged emails with a lovely lady for over 4 years but she is very much linked in my mind with my dark and sad past rather than the future. I’ve realised over the last couple of months that it suited both of us to part – her life was becoming more complicated and mine was becoming less – and we were moving in different directions if that makes sense?
In a perfect world I would hope to exchange news and thoughts with an E-pal every 2 to 3 weeks. If either of us ever feels that things are just not working out we should not feel guilty about waving goodbye but I think we should say that rather than just not replying again. I was **very** badly hurt by somebody who did that to me a few years back! To this day I still wonder what I did wrong?
Despite everything I have lots of happiness in my life. I am in a long term relationship and I have 2 particularly close friends who also share my house. I love my life modelling (nude modelling) that I do for art groups and schools/colleges and I love my running. I’m a county level cross-country runner and I compete in events most weekends. My musical tastes come from my Dad: Pink Floyd, Enya, Enigma and Gregorian. My height (5 feet 11 inches) and my fairly extreme skinniness comes from both sides of the family.
If you would be interested get in touch!